Settling in is an Unfortunate Curse.

I'm scared to get comfortable. I dont want to be stuck anywhere i dont want to be tied down. I'm in ridgefield and sometimes my comfort here scares me. What if i never get out? Do i even want to get out? Im not a city person but i dont want to be here forever. A huge part of me just wants to drop out of school and move somewhere just pick a spot on the globe and go for it. Make a new life and finally weigh things out. Ive never left. I dont see myself being able to offord leaving anytime soon. But what if i left and was happier? what if i left and i changed into something or someone better. You cant have life without the 'if' in it i know. I think this is just like a coming of age stressed out situation of unhappy contentment that maybe more people go through. I dont know, i want to do things i want to be a writer, a chef, a husband, a dad, an influential person with an impact on someone rather than no one. If you get comfortable in one place i feel like the oppertunity to leave comes up less and less. I just dont want to give up a risk worth taking on being comfortable and safe in ridgefield. What if?

Distance.

What do you do when you feel like your losing control of what you want to keep the most? Most of my friends have fled the area to go to college and what not, but I'm scared because everyone is making lives to far from home that they're coming home less and less. I of course know I'm not forgotten, but more pushed aside and falling down in my friends best friends. I hate that people make new friends. I know its just jealousy and frustration but i don't know what to do. I can't say I'm not guilty of this myself, going to school a little bit, getting a job again. Its hard to make the time for everyone. I feel like i have at least 10 best friends that i care about, but i feel like i don't get to see them as much as i want to. I don't know if i should be rude to them. I don't want to strongly voice my opinion because i don't want to deter anyone from an experience that i don't have, i can say that if i was in their shoes i would be traveling and exploring. I'm very comfortable with everything staying the same though, i like fairfield county and the friends i have here. Ive made some friends in the rhs class of 08, but next year ill probably be here again, and they're all leaving again. Its hard to invest my time into people and build relationships that just have to take the toll of distance when college comes around the corner. So, at what point do you let your friends go and take these great opportunities at the expense of your friendships? How can you keep from feeling abandoned?

Change

Once again change has struck my life. My summer started with my chin high and high school in the past. But some how it caught up with me. I don't know my best friends now are completely different than my best friends at the beginning of the summer. I don't know how this happened but i can say i am blessed to be in their lives and i am happy that things have turned the way they have. Throughout high school i saw myself as someone better than it. To cool to hang out with high schoolers. Well maybe because the kids in my school are no longer high schoolers, maybe because i never gave them a chance, or maybe because they are more mature and relaxed now a days. I don't know. But so everyone that i became best friends with in the last three months is leaving. I haven't let it hit me yet. Its hard to watch everyone go and everyone seems to be pretty breezy with it. Maybe because they are leaving also. Its hard for me to let change touch me. Ive become cold to it and eager for the challenge. My future is sitting in front of me and i kind of just don't want to step forward yet. I don't want to stop my education out of fear of never starting again. And i like the idea of taking classes at school that are more in my interests. But when i face a challenge that is to difficult I'm so eager to give up. I don't want my friends to leave because i do not want to be forgotten or left behind. I want to leave. I want positive change for once in my life. I want to grow and explore who i can be. I just don't know when ill have the chance. I'm just worried i might miss my chance if i don't keep my eyes open.

Growing Up

Everyone says that with maturity comes greater decisions. My bridge to cross right now is with religion. I find myself becoming maybe more faithful. I don't know how to use the term loosely. I have been attending club. Its a very very low dose of religion. You go, theres like 30 kids, and sing a few songs, there are some skits, and some group games, and then Tim, the youth leader closes with a passage from the Bible and relates it to life to teach you a lesson. Tonight's lesson was to not think God thinks less of you because you have free time. Right now, the end of the year everyone is in chaos, you know finishing late work, getting things organized, getting ready for next year, the point of the lesson was that God does not judge you based on what you do. Your no different if you have free time than someone that is running around constantly. Sometimes thinking about it, i waste so much time procrastinating and just hanging out in parking lots, or watching TV. What if i could put that time to better use, to help others even, which is a very good point i should address, but the point was that God just wants to know who you are. He wants you to be a well rounded person, someone with personality. And maybe this just made me more comfortable with all the free time i have but it does mean something. And i hope that everyone else who has religion or believes in god is that maybe its not entirely what you do with with your free time, but maybe who you are as a person. As long as you take your time and develop to become something greater, God can support you. I must say I am not a very religious person. I can see myself moving towards religion. It just helps sometimes to know that what you are doing is accepted by a greater power, that your not entirely selfish. My only is that im (i use this term loosly) gay. If i do continue to build a life involving God, and develop a strong belief, wont i not be accepted? I want a pastor who knows who i am, and accepts me for all of me. I feel like if i were to start being more religious it will just be something hushed and in the background that everyone gossips about. I dont know. Ive never had trouble being who i am around anyone, and for me to go into a room of religous, church goers, i just feel like everyones eyes would be on me. But i do want to leave, telling you that do as you please, make good choices, be selfish. Everyone needs time of their own to become who they will be. Without those experiences you could miss something that could change you for the better. Be with people who intrigue you and provoke your thoughts. Keep questioning.

Where Did I Go Wrong I Lost a Friend

The friends we lose and the friends that pass, their legacy is only held in AIM profiles. I feel like with death everyone is so motivated to change and do something but when it comes down to it after grieving and getting over it slowly day by day, you revert back to how things were. Because that's the only way to get better and before you know it, your friend is just three minuscule insignificant letters and dates in a profile. The best you can ask for if you die young is maybe a tattoo. I think its depressing how quickly this town buries their sadness and goes on perfectly without a hitch.

Stay Together for the Kids.

It's hard to wake up, when the shades have been pulled shut. This house is haunted, it's so pathetic, it makes no sense at all. I'm ripe with things to say. The words rot and fall away. If a stupid poem could fix this home I'd read it every day. So here's your holiday. Hope you enjoy it this time. You gave it all away. It was mine. So when you're dead and gone. Will you remember this night, twenty years now lost? It's not right. Their anger hurts my ears. Been running strong for seven years. Rather than fix the problems, they never solve them. It makes no sense at all. I see them every day. We get along so why can't they? If this is what he wants and this is what she wants then why is there so much pain?

I'm living in broken home. My parents dont talk. My dads girlfriend is an idiot, her daughter is strange. We have no family here. Just tennants in a building. I dont talk to My dads girlfriend or her daughter and i bairly talk to my father. My mother is gone in norwalk and in her mid life she has reverted back to being a teenage selfish everythings about me state because she was in a depriving relationship with my father. So now she gets to do what she wants. Im not a child. I havent been a child since i was 13. My father doesnt make dinner. I cook, do my laundry, pay my bills, have a job. Its ridiculous. Why is he even in my life? Its not fair that after they got divorced i was put on a back burner at such a young age. Its been like 5 years since the divorce and nothings changed. I went to the movies with dana and her father the other night. My friends parents are nicer to me than my own father. Her grandmother invited me into their home for easter and even made me an easter basket. I dont know. My father shows nothing to lead me to believe he cares about me. I know its cold and im the teenager. But i was abandoned by them and forced to live on my own since i was like 13. I want to revert and be taken care of and comforted when things go wrong. He couldnt name 3 things that are important to me. I know its because i also shut him out and dont give him anything. Im cold to him because im an adult now and im set in my ways. He lost his chance forever. Hes better off dead. Its hard to remember the times when we sat down to dinner when i was younger and my mother and father could be in the same room. The times during the holidays for family pictures. I dont know, it would be nice if they would talk. Just for me.

Oh, You Mistook That For a Backbone

Have you ever made any decision in your life without regrets or second guesses. I guess thats all life is, is second guesses an d full of the chances and oppertunities you never took. Lifes just a series of turns. Its all about making the correct ones. I guess in my case ive gotten lost in my life. I wish i had a nav system. Once your lost its hard to have the confidence to get back on your right track. Because you start second guessing and not being so sure of who you are. You know you think you know exactly who you are but it sucks when you describe yourself and most of the words are crude, verbal slang, and curses. Anyone else? lol. I dont know. Talking about making turns for relationships instead of friendships, of french fries instead of apples, of life instead of death. Is growing up supposed to be this hard? I mean im fine, happiness and all, just looking back and looking forward its like shit. Which seems worse? And for everyone to survive, going forward holds more 'turns' for you to miss, more 'roads' to vere off of i guess, its a whole new adventure where you might just find the turn that leads to the beach. As long as your up for it and you do better than you've done before, I learned, Its worth it.

Love With A Missing Heart?

Have you ever been totally in love? Thats right, you havent. I have met the person i love the most but why doesn't it work out? There is like the sixth sense missing. I dont undersand. Its almost punishment to have the one you love so close but so far away and out of your reach. I dont know. I'm so young i understand i have no idea of what love even is. I'm suprised i even know how to spell it. You think you know something so clearly and in a second you can forget you ever knew it.

I Think I Lost a Piece of Myself Along The Way.

My {old} Kitchen My {old} Bedroom

What do you call when your unremitting fear is challenged? Graduating this year is a leap for me. it’s a leap into what is, or what should be my adulthood. I look at myself and my decisions, and this year and the past couple of years haven’t been exactly how I imagined. I don’t know. I think I set myself up for destruction. I think that I set goals that are below my achievement so I don’t disappoint myself. Even this, analyzing myself. I know what’s wrong I just cant change. You know when you need to be approved by the people around you, you act as you feel you should. In some sense that could be a good quality, to adapt to your surroundings, but somewhere in my young teens, I lost myself. I think it was when I moved to Ridgefield. The kids I was friends with in Wilton knew who I was, they know who I am. I grew up with my friends in Wilton, I had known all of them as long as I could remember. I moved to Ridgefield and rather than understanding my environment, just adapted to it. I changed who I was and maybe just became a new person in Ridgefield. I guess it’s a good thing to reinvent yourself every once in a while. I left Wilton, and I left all my problems as a child, and all my bad memories in my childhood home that burnt down. They had burned with it. I had to find a new me I guess. When you have a story as deep and real as mine, its nice to lose some of yourself in a change.

Id Rather Be Drowning Than Swimming Away

Pete's Couch
Theres commercials running now saying hoq if you smoke pot you will sit on a couch and do nothing. You wont take chances or risks. Whats so bad about Pete's couch. It mide as well be a metaphor for living at home with your parents. We wouldnt smoke pot every day on petes couch, just every time i felt pressure to make a decision or take a risk. Theres a legalize it campaign going around my high school these days. There are posters up to legalize marijuana and flyers being past around the student center, comparing it to drinking and the pros over weigh the cons in my eyes. I think the only reason its not legal is because theres no way to test for it. Theres no way to tell if you get pulled over how much youve smoked or what your feeling. But teenagers have to realize its never gunna happen. And i dont really want it to happen, because i dont want my children doing all the dumb things ive done in my childhood. Im just gunna relax on pete's couch for a while. Im just gunna burn it when im done with it so my kids cant go near it. As for alcohol, i think it should be legal for minors (18-21) to buy like beer and wine. Something with a lower percent of alcohol than like hard alcohol. Because if maybe were introduced slower to legal alcohol, most people wont go out binge drinking when there 21 and we wont have many deaths. I dont know, maybe just a bad idea. All for now, gunna update more later.

Just Thoughts

Ive gotten my invitation to graduation. A scary thought. Throughout my school career all i wanted was the end. And just now im realizing that i can do anything. Where am i going to live in september? Doesnt that freak anyone else out? I dont know where im going to be. I might not even be in this country. Just now im seeing how many oppertunities i have after high school, and ive never been so scared in my life. How do you make the right decision? I havent heard back from any schools yet, what if i dont get in? I'm certainly not staying in ridgefield. This is a superficial town that ive grown tiered of. Im thinking of moving over seas, like california, or florida. I dont think im ready to be out of the country, maybe just to visit. Everyone in this town is so perfect and nice. Is it possible ive been dragged threw too much shit to fit in? To be the kid that wants to go to college? I don't want to go to school right now, and because im paying for my own college these are things i really have to think about. I dont want to waste my money. But what if i get into my top choice college? Do i still take the risk? You can never find out whats waiting for you at the bottom unless you jump.

Cookie Cutters

How can guardians and police expect teenagers to be mature? We party and get in trouble one, because there is nothing to do in this town, two, because we don’t have any other way to alleviate stress and just laugh. We drink, we smoke, and some kids go to worse drugs because it takes us away. Only 6% of kids in America take physics. That’s a little fun fact for you. I was told by my counselor that I needed to take physics because it gives me a greater chance of getting into college. At RHS it’s uncommon for kids not to take physics. I don’t know. I think Ridgefield wants every child to be a genius and get into an astounding college. Ridgefield schools work so hard at creating a name that Universities will recognize. A name with a reputation, but it’s at our expense. We are the ones that have to work harder, get better standardize test scores. It is a lot of pressure. Ridgefield is such a cookie cutter town. White good looking smart straight children. People of different cultures aren’t understood or even sometimes accepted in our town. Gay people are put into therapy because apparently their troubled and that’s not a curable disease. I guess my ultimate point is that I’m stressed. I don’t fit the cookie cutter mold. My grades aren’t well there’s a chance I might not even graduate. (A very very small chance, something I would never let happen, but its still on the table) Yesterday I just wanted to get into my car and drive forever. Running away has never seemed like such a good idea. I just hate that I have to put in so much effort then everyone else. I’m not smart enough for Ridgefield. The kids I see drunk and high on weekends come in Monday and ace a test. Even the freaking drug dealers in the school have better grades than me. I guess its fear that’s stressing me out also. Fear that I’m not going to get out of this town. This town is keeping me young. I will be able to grow up and mature once I’m out of this town I think. People go away, change and make new friends. But if I never leave, will I ever change? Moving to California just seems like such a good idea. My friends and family want me to stay. But I could learn so much more by leaving. I’m sure as soon as I left for California I would regret it though. All I know is I can’t stay here much longer.